Recently, Jason Kendrick and I were discussing this meme that has been popping up on social media.
“How aware are you of your past traumas and suppressed emotions and tell me about how you are actively working to heal them before you try to project that shit on me?”
When I first read this question in the context of a first date it rubbed me the wrong way and I decided to reflect on it before starting the conversation with Jason. Mark Groves, Human Connection Specialist said, “When you get reactive, get curious. You have a wound that is asking to be healed.”
I felt as if I should be asking myself this tough question long before I asked someone else, especially on a first date. Asking myself that question was very hard to do but the results have been tremendously freeing!
I first asked myself “How aware are you of your past traumas and suppressed emotions and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you try to project that shit on me?” Sounds harsh, right?
Well, in December 2017, ten year old repressed memories rose up and slapped me in the face so asking myself this tough question first before anyone else was the choice I had to make.
I discovered that I couldn’t proceed on the journey alone and sought out a good counselor that helped me become a better father, partner, and man. Rocky Mountain Coaching, Counseling, and Consulting has been a true game changer in my personal growth to optimal mental health. The second community I found growth was Flatirons Church and their sermons and local campuses that helped me find an authentic small group in Denver.
These two supportive communities have been integral to my personal, emotional, spiritual, and mental growth since last December.
I asked myself this question over and over again in and out of my counseling sessions to launch my growth. I also discovered that until I addressed this question deeply, I would never be justified asking someone else on a first date because until I did, I wouldn’t be ready to wholeheartedly grow with another person!
Here’s a glimpse into the conversation Jason and I had after I spent some time digesting my first impression of the question.
“I guess you could ask each other the question and explore the answers together. Might make for a deep and meaningful first date.”
“With the right girl?”
“Ideally, yes. But, I’m sure you’d find out which girl was right or if they were wrong for your real quick.”
Does that sound like something you’d be comfortable asking on a first date?
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I would absolutely consider asking that on the first date. Time is valuable – yours and theirs. if they are not at a place where they have healed from things in their past – then in essence – time is being wasted. Could you work on it together – I suppose – if by working on it, you mean that it wouldn’t eventually be projected on the other person – then yes.
I have a huge heart and sometimes it gets me in a lot of things that I have no business being in 🙂
Great perspective Heather! And how do you propose you’d bring up this specific question and have it well received?!