Hey guys, in this blog post, I’m going to share the three things that are going through your ex’s mind after a breakup.
Read through until the very end of this article because I’m going to give you five solutions that you can do in the next five days that will help win your ex back. Or watch the YouTube video below!
The first stage of recovery after a breakup will be a feeling of relief that your ex has ripped off the “Band-Aid” and made the decision that they were pondering on for quite a while. Maybe it was a day or two.
It may have even been a few weeks and even as long as a month, depending on how long you’ve been together, that they were pondering ending the relationship.
You may be thinking of any number of reasons why they would end it but it’s best not to attach any meaning to why the relationship ended. That’s only going to start you into this spiral of ruminating thoughts which will just keep you stuck in a place like rock bottom that you’re feeling at right now.
The second stage that your ex is going through is concern or curiosity about why you’re not reaching out and why you’re not begging them to get back together. This is known as a period of “no contact” you commit to for yourself to heal after a break up. If you resonate with an anxious attachment style, you may find this very helpful.
And that’s one of the things that I recommend for our coaching clients is to stay true to yourself and have a period of no contact with your ex. That doesn’t mean block them on social media that doesn’t mean to begin playing games.
It simply just means respect the fact that they wish for the relationship to end and it gives the person the space they likely asked for during the break up conversation.
In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman points out that one partner often ignores the other not out of malice but because of their respective needs for intimacy and independence.
“Marriage is something of a dance,” Gottman says. “There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy.” The potential for conflict arises when spouses fall on different points of the spectrum in terms of their needs. Some people desire more frequent connection, while others crave more independence.
If one partner ignores their need for independence, the abundance of intimacy begins to breed resentment. When that partner begins to feel crowded, they pull away emotionally and stops responding to “bids” from the other person. And those small requests for each other’s attention, humor, or support.
The effect is that the other partner involved, who thrives on quality time and touch, senses that there’s something wrong in the relationship. Their way of repairing an emotional gap is to drive deeper into intimacy, which is the opposite of what the first partner needs.
It becomes a downward spiral that can result in harsh words, hurt feelings, and a need to repair the relationship .
Finally, the third stage that your ex is going to go through is the “consequences stage.” It comes at an undetermined amount of time and it starts at a different time for everybody.
Your ex will begin to think, “What if I made the wrong decision? What if I broke up with them without truly considering all of my options?”
This is where they begin to ruminate and begin to try and connect the dots of those ‘what if’ scenarios that they’re creating in their head.
To sum it all up, these are the three stages your ex is going through immediately after a breakup.
Relief- this could be anywhere from three to five days maybe a week or two.
Curiosity or Concern- can come maybe within the next month, especially if you’re having zero contact with them. That’s a personal commitment that I recommend that you take for yourself. Is a period of no contact after a breakup so that you can both evaluate who you are as individuals and possibly we get back together in the future.
Consequences- the “what if” stage where you ex questions all the reasons they came up with to end your relationship. The avoidant attachment style will ruminate in this stage for months at a time and that creates a desire for them to reach back out to you!
As I promised earlier, I want to introduce a few ideas of what you can do in order to win your ex back in the next 5 days or set yourself up on a life worth living!
A life that is true to your purpose will empower you to remember who you are and what you felt like attracted this person to you in the first place.
The first step is to make a commitment to yourself to have no contact with your ex. You may be thinking that this is starting to play games, but it’s actually not. It’s the most authentic way you can approach respecting their wishes for the relationship to be over.
When you have no contact it allows them the space that they need in order to go through these three stages immediately after a breakup. As a reminder, that time frame is totally different for everybody.
It could be one week, two weeks, a month, three months, six months, and even a year. We don’t know but when you make a personal commitment to yourself, it allows you to do the next few things in order to either win your ex back or move on to something bigger and better for you.
When you take a period of no contact you’re actually fighting for the relationship.
A few reasons is because you’re respecting their choice to end the relationship and you’re not repeatedly reaching out and begging & pleading for them to get back with you. This makes you feel more confident.
Also, this makes you appear more confident and confidence is one of the most attractive qualities that our partners are looking for.
Another suggestion that I make for our clients is to make your life a priority. What hobbies do you enjoy the don’t include your partner?
For me personally, when I go through a breakup, I return to my regular Jiu-Jitsu program to get back on my path. Returning to your hobbies may look like going to the gym or beginning a nutrition program to get back to a place where you felt energized.
If those things that are important to you, you may have felt that you abandoned these priorities to please somebody else or to make space for them in your life.
Third suggestion that I’d like to make is to not get into the bad habit of socially pouting. When you post things on social media that your ex can see hoping to send a message, you are coming across more in a pouty manner than using proper communication.
It lowers your perceived value and it raises their perceived value up because they were the person that broke up with you. We want our personal self-worth to be a major focus within the first month after a breakup.
If you have any hopes of getting back together with this person, this is the number one behavior that I want you to have consciousness around.
I want you to do work on yourself while owing what you will do better next time. I encourage you to do that privately with a coach, a friend, or within a trusted support group that you feel like you can be open and honest.
Steer clear of doing that publicly on social media during the period of no contact. If your ex reaches out in any way; whether that’s a direct message on social media, a text message, or a phone call. Maybe it’s something small like a comment or a like on social media.
If they ask , “Can I pick something up from your place that I left behind?”, be polite but indifferent. If they ask how have you been, say, “You know, everything has been good. I’ve been returning to my hobbies. I’ve picked up those two evening classes that I loved.”
You’re showing that your value isn’t dependent on them being your partner or them being in your life. You’ve returned to what makes you great.
And finally, I want you to continuously remind yourself that this is not at all like playing a game. What you are doing is creating authentic organic dissonance which can be felt by your former partner while they are going through the three stages after a breakup. On their own, at their own pace, and it begins to creep into their mind of like,
“Did I make a mistake?”
“Do I want my them back? Do I want to reach out?”
“Have they moved on?” and “Why aren’t they reaching out to me?”
This puts us back on an evil playing field. When your ex breaks up with you that puts them on a “one up/one down” type of a mentality and they’re thinking of you as helpless.
If you pout all over social media, that’s only going to confirm their bias they have created in their mind.
To stay authentic and conscious coming out of your breakup, these are the three things that your ex are thinking of right now. As well as the five things that you can do to either win that ex back or move on to bigger and better things that are meant for you.
If any of this resonated with you today, I’d like to welcome you to join our weekly Private Support Group free for one week!
I host group support calls each week for you to share and learn with others that have encountered similar experiences! We also dig deep into your Enneagram type, attachment styles, and love languages.
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